What Does It Mean to Be Graysexual?
What exactly does graysexual mean?
Graysexual — sometimes spelled grey sexual — is used to refer to people who experience limited sexual attraction. In other words, they experience sexual attraction very rarely, or with very low intensity.
This is also known as gray-asexuality, gray-A, or gray-ace.
Graysexual people fit somewhere between asexual and allosexual. This stems from the idea that sexuality isn’t black and white — there’s a “gray area” that many people fall into.
Wait, what’s asexuality?
According to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), an asexual person experiences little to no sexual attraction.
“Sexual attraction” is about finding someone sexually appealing and wanting to have sex with them.
The opposite of asexual is sexual, which is also referred to as allosexual.
A common misconception is that asexuality is a medical condition. Being asexual isn’t the same thing as having a low libido, struggling with sex-related trauma, or experiencing pain during sex.
How is this different from just having a low libido?
Sexual attraction is different than libido, which is also known as sex drive.
Libido is about feeling a need to have sex in order to feel sexual pleasure and sexual release. It’s often compared to the need to scratch an itch.
Sexual attraction, on the other hand, is about finding a specific person attractive and wanting to have sex with them.
Asexual and graysexual people might have a high libido, and allosexual people might have a low libido.
What does the asexual-sexual spectrum look like?
Sexuality is often seen as a spectrum, with asexuality on one side and allosexuality on the other side.
On one end, you’ll have asexual. In the middle, you’ll have graysexual. On the other end, you’ll have sexual or allosexual.
Often, graysexual people consider themselves to be a part of the asexual community. However, all graysexual people are different, and some don’t view themselves as asexual.
So graysexual is the middle?
Yes. Often, graysexual people consider themselves the midpoint between allosexuality and asexuality. Others consider gray sexuality to be closer to asexuality than allosexuality.
What does being graysexual look like in practice?
Graysexuality looks different to different people — no two graysexual people are the same!
However, many graysexual people experience the following:
- not prioritizing sexual attraction when it comes to choosing a romantic partner (if they want one)
- sex being unimportant to them — or not as important as it seems to be for the rest of the population
- feeling sexual attraction sometimes, but not often
- only feeling sexual attraction in certain circumstances
- showing love and affection in other ways, such as cuddling, talking or helping their partner
But again, remember that some graysexual people might be different!
How is this different from being demisexual?
Demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after a close emotional bond has formed. This is different from seldom experiencing sexual attraction.
Demisexual people might experience sexual attraction often and intensely, but only with people, they’re close to.
Similarly, graysexual people might find that when they do experience sexual attraction, it isn’t necessarily with people they have a close emotional bond with.
Is it possible to be both at the same time or fluctuate between the two?
Yes! You can be both graysexual and demisexual.
Your orientation can shift and feel different over time, so it’s totally possible to fluctuate between being graysexual and being demisexual.
What about elsewhere on the spectrum — can you move between periods of sexuality and asexuality?
Yes. Again, sexuality and orientation are fluid. You might find your capacity for sexual attraction shifts over time.
For example, you might go from being allosexual to being graysexual to being asexual.
Interestingly, the 2015 Asexual Census found that over 80 percent of its respondents identified as another orientation before they identified as asexual, which demonstrates how fluid sexuality can be.
Can you experience other forms of attraction?
Asexual and graysexual people can experience other forms of attraction. This includes:
- Romantic attraction: desiring a romantic relationship with someone
- Aesthetic attraction: being attracted to someone based on how they look
- Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold, or cuddle someone
- Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone
- Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone
When it comes to romantic attraction, people can have different romantic orientations. This includes:
- Aromantic: You experience little to no romantic attraction to anyone, regardless of gender.
- Biromantic: You’re romantically attracted to people of two or more genders.
- Greyromantic: You experience romantic attraction infrequently.
- Demiromantic: You experience romantic attraction infrequently, and when you do it’s only after developing a strong emotional connection to someone.
- Heteroromantic: You’re only romantically attracted to people of a different gender to you.
- Homoromantic: You’re only romantically attracted to people who are the same gender as you.
- Polyromantic: You’re romantically attracted to people of many — not all — genders.
You can be asexual or graysexual and identify with any of the above romantic orientations.
For example, you might be graysexual and heteroromantic.
This is commonly referred to as “mixed-orientation” or “cross-orientation” — when the group of people you’re sexually attracted to differs from the group of people you’re romantically attracted to.
What does being an asexual mean for partnered relationships?
Asexual and graysexual people might still desire romantic relationships and partnerships. These relationships can be just as healthy and fulfilling as relationships with allosexual people.
As mentioned above, sexual attraction isn’t the only form of attraction. Asexual and graysexual people might feel romantic attraction, meaning they might desire a committed romantic relationship with someone.
To some asexual and graysexual people, sex might not be important in relationships. To others, it’s important.
Asexual and graysexual people might still have sex — they just seldom experience that form of attraction. Bear in mind that you can have sex with someone and enjoy it without being intensely sexually attracted to them.
Is it OK to not want a relationship at all?
Yes. Many people — graysexual, asexual, and allosexual — don’t want to be in romantic relationships and that’s totally OK.
What about sex?
Some asexual and graysexual people have sex. For them, sex can be enjoyable. Being asexual or graysexual isn’t about your capacity for sexual enjoyment, only sexual attraction.
There’s also a difference between sexual attraction and sexual behavior. You can be sexually attracted to someone without having sex with them, and you can have sex with someone you aren’t sexually attracted to.
There are many reasons people have sex, including:
- to become pregnant
- to feel intimacy
- for emotional bonding
- for pleasure and fun
- for experimentation
Asexual and graysexual people are all unique, and they can have different feelings about sex. The words used to describe these feelings include:
- sex-repulsed, meaning they dislike sex and don’t want to have it
- sex-indifferent, meaning they feel lukewarm about sex
- sex-favorable, meaning they desire and enjoy sex
People might feel one way about sex their entire lives, while other people might fluctuate between these different experiences.
Where does masturbation fit into this?
Asexual and graysexual people might masturbate — and yes, it can feel enjoyable for them.
Again, every person is unique, and what one asexual or graysexual enjoys might not be what another person enjoys.
How do you know where you fit under the asexual umbrella — if at all?
There’s no test that determines whether you’re asexual or graysexual.
In order to figure out if you fall under this umbrella, you might find it helpful to ask yourself:
- How often do I experience sexual attraction?
- How intense is this sexual attraction?
- Do I need to feel sexually attracted to someone in order to want a relationship with them?
- How do I enjoy showing affection? Does sex factor into it?
- How do I feel about sex?
- Do I feel pressured into wanting and enjoying sex, or do I genuinely want and enjoy it?
- Would I feel comfortable identifying as either asexual or allosexual? Why or why not?
Of course, there are no right or wrong answers, and every graysexual person would answer differently based on their own feelings and experiences.
However, asking yourself these questions can help you understand and process your feelings about sexual attraction.
Where can you learn more?
You can learn more about gray sexuality and asexuality online or at local in-person meetups. If you have a local LGBTQA+ community, you might be able to connect with other graysexual people there.
You can also learn more from: